Life has been a bit chaotic lately. I went through orientation in the ICU and last shift was my first shift as a solo duckling ICU nurse. A huge goal of mine realized. And realized quietly, without fanfare, with me still feeling at times like I don’t really get it. That, somehow, I still haven’t “become a critical care nurse”.

But I have. I’m here.

Life has been chaotic for other reasons though too- (mhrm, the state of the country). Friends are getting married, having babies, medical bills pop up, cars break down, and a slew of other things. I’ve had my fair share of freak-outs.

On top of all that, I signed myself up for a 70.3 mile long triathlon that I don’t feel prepared for. So I got myself a coach. Who is now holding me accountable and now I’m finding myself getting onto my trainer to actually ride my bike, sometimes after a 13-hour day at the hospital, and I find myself asking why.

The uncertainty of this country and where it is headed, being afraid of the instability, and then constantly berating myself for not being where I wanted to and feeling like I’m not quite making it (financially, emotionally, in my training) have undermined my sense of wellbeing.

Right now, I don’t know what I want. I can remember why I signed up for the 70.3- because I’d just finished a half-marathon and I wanted that thrill of accomplishment that I got at the end. Suddenly though, that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. The money and time it takes to compete in a triathlon like that seem selfish to me. Those resources could go towards being more financially sound, volunteering and investing in my community.

The point is that right now, I don’t know. But I do know that despite the fact that my car is in the shop right now and I’m stuck at home, the local triathletes in the area pulled together, despite not knowing me at all, to get me a ride to their meeting tonight. And during my run today, the sky was blue beyond the bare branches and I breathed and my body moved and I got to keep going. I’ve got people I love and who love me.

And besides, we leave for Japan in a few days.






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